Unexpected Trigger

The word trigger is commonly used in mental health circles. It’s the action or situation that bounces someone back into whatever state they are trying to overcome, like; Anxiety, anorexia, addiction, or anger management.

People in recovery from addiction are aware of their potential triggers and know to avoid them. 

For me, I’m not triggered to drink. I can be in any setting and no longer have the desire for alcohol. I don’t plan my outings, vacations, or dinners to avoid a potential trigger location. 

But what I find so interesting is that I am still triggered by memories. I feel intense shame when I’m around someone, even a random person who has had too much to drink. Not because I am judging them but because it unlocks painful memories of times when I have overindulged and acted poorly. 

Even more interesting is that while I feel shame from someone else’s overdrinking, I also feel intense gratitude for my success in giving up alcohol. 

I was recently in LA for a college visit with my son and husband. We made a touristy stop at the YouTuber Dave Dobrik’s pizza place. It was a spontaneous night, highlighted by the fact that David was there. 

The vibe was electric. You could sense the feelings of joy and luck as these young fans took pictures with their YouTube hero. 

We were walking back to our car, discussing how good the pizza was. (Who knew honey on pepperoni pizza was such a game-changer?) The sun was beginning to set, and we were admiring the glow when suddenly, I tripped over a piece of metal sticking up from the sidewalk. 

When I say I tripped, I really mean that I had the most epic slow-motion fall of all time. We were going uphill, and I was carrying our leftover pizza box, so I was a little off balance. I tripped and initially caught myself, but then fell off the curb. I caught myself again, only to stumble forward, awkwardly trying to save the pizza. Succumbing to the force of gravity, I ultimately landed on the street. The left side of my face and head slammed the asphalt with such intensity that I couldn’t get the sound of the hit out of my head for days. 

My son and husband quickly came to my aid, both nervous about what they would see when I removed my hand from my face. Luckily there were no lacerations or immediate swelling. 

While my husband went to get the car, my son waited with me to make sure I was okay. Even though my head was ringing from the onset of a concussion, we broke out in laughter at the hilarity of the slow motion- almost save. 

And then I said, “I’m so glad I wasn’t drinking.” 

This comment surprised us both. I was feeling shame for what the fall would have meant if I had been drinking. It still would have been an accident, but maybe less innocent, like I would have been at fault somehow. 

Also, it added another layer of shame for me to think about how it could have impacted my son to witness his mother’s drunken fall. That it would have created a traumatic, embarrassing experience for him made me feel like a bad mom. So much projecting about the “what if!” 

I spent several days thinking about this experience and how bizarre it was to feel shame for something that didn’t even happen. How strange to feel shame for a “what if.”

After the ringing in my head and other concussion symptoms faded, I was left with peaceful gratitude for my sobriety. 

So, I’ll leave you with some takeaways that came to me once I could process all these emotions. 

1. You can feel two opposite emotions from a single event. Shame for the “what if” this fall happened when I was drinking and Gratitude for the other side of the “what if”—it was just an accident and didn’t have anything to do with drinking. 
2. Triggers come in all shapes, sizes, and circumstances. Expecting them to show up occasionally helps keep them manageable and less scary. 
3. Extending yourself grace, whether you are drinking or not, is the first step to acknowledging things you want to change about yourself. 
4. Watch out for metal things sticking out of sidewalks!